Out of a Paper Bag
by Sylvia Snape
Summary: As Defence Against the Dark Arts professor, Snape can't help but feel a tiny bit skeptical of Harry's fighting abilites. Can Harry fight his way out of a paper bag?
1. Harry

I haven't written anything in a while, but I saw a challenge on Fiction Alley and I couldn't resist. So, thanks spiritualwitch! I tried to be funny, but I'm not sure if it is... You be the judge!

* * *

Severus Snape sighed contentedly. It was almost time for another Defence Against the Dark Arts class. Finally, after long years of fighting for this position, he was the professor. The novelty of being able to say this had not quite yet worn off, and consequently, Severus liked to remind himself of this as often as possible. His first class for the day was most unfortunately the one which held the insufferable sixth year, Harry Potter. However, as they were due to start dueling today, Severus was optimistic that he would have a chance to see him beaten, hopefully in a way that would be very embarrassing for the young Potter. 

As he swept into his class, all mutterings immediately died down. All attention turned to Severus. "As you doubtless already know, we will be starting dueling today. Memorizing spells straight out of books will not carry you through this section of the class." Here he paused momentarily to allow these words to sink in, allowing his gaze to linger on Hermione Granger just a few seconds longer than necessary. "This will be purely practical, and will contain many exhibition—"

The door banged open, cutting off Severus's speech. Red-faced and panting, Harry Potter and Neville Longbottom stumbled into the classroom. Longbottom was clutching a paper bag tightly, trying, unsuccessfully, to hide it.

"So the Chosen One has decided to grace us with his presence. Or is this a topic that he has no need for?" The Slytherins snickered to one another, already trying to guess what the punishment for this tardiness would be.

"_No_. I was—" Potter started to explain, before being cut off by Severus.

"I have no use for excuses. Five points from Gryffindor," Severus said, pausing slightly to watch their expressions, "each." Potter opened his mouth, ready to argue, but Longbottom tugged on his sleeve, pulling him to his seat.

"As I was saying before I was so _rudely_ interrupted, you will also duel against each other, and the best will finally duel against me, if I deem them worthy."

This brought up many mutterings, and Finnegan shouted out, "Harry," over all this noise. His classmates agreed as they all started chanting Potter's name. The idiot in question sunk down in his seat, feigning embarrassment. Some of Severus's Slytherins attempted to stop this, instead nominating Draco, but they were drowned out by the many shouts against them.

"So," the class quieted again, fearing a mass punishment, "you seem to think that Potter is the best among you?" There were sounds of agreement, and so Severus continued, now addressing Potter, "Your classmates put a lot of faith in you." Again students voiced their agreement. "But is their judgment misguided? Tell me, Potter, can you even fight your way out of a paper bag?"

Potter flushed, arguing that he could and being backed up by a large part of the class. Then Weasley said something very, very stupid in response to one of the Slytherins: "prove it!"

"Oh, I intend to. However, it will be Potter himself who proves his incompetence." Spying the bag that Longbottom had brought in, Severus pointed his wand at it. "And Longbottom has proven to actually be useful." Despite the boy's protests, the bag started growing until it was more than twice Severus's size. Another nonverbal spell, and Potter was floating to the top of the bag. None too gently, Severus dropped the wriggling boy into the bag, closing the top quickly.

The class watched the bag, breathless as there was a thump of someone hitting the floor. A groan was heard, and a shuffling as Potter got to his feet. "Oh come on, it's dark in here! Lumos. That's better." Then there was a loud scream. Potter's frantic voice could clearly be heard saying, "Good toad, good Trevor, don't move…"

Longbottom buried his head in his arms after a few embarrassed apologies. The class let out a few giggles: some worried, some amused. Some people had questions, and others suggestions. "How big is it? Are you afraid? It can't see you if you don't move! Aim for the eyes!" After hearings the suggestions for some of the spells, Longbottom joined in the shouting, saying, "Don't hurt him!"

Inside the bag, Harry was panicking. He could fight his way out of a paper bag, of course he could. But a giant toad? That was something he had never considered. Trevor was around fifteen times his regular size and at the size of a large dog, was quite intimidating. Not to mention the fact that his croaking was giving Harry a splitting headache.

Harry considered his options. He could simply blast his way out of the bag, but then giant Trevor would be released. If he tried offensive spells, however, Trevor might be hurt and Neville wouldn't like that, no matter what Harry's reasoning was. As if on cue, Neville's shouting reached Harry's ears, begging for mercy on his beloved pet. But would defensive spells work? There was only one way to find out.

The first few stupefies didn't work as well as Harry had hoped, and he had to dodge a long tongue as it whipped around his ankles. Like a demented game, Harry hopped over this tongue, almost stomping on it more than once. Impedimenta had no more affect than stupefy, though that in no way stopped Harry from trying it. Shooting sparks at the eyes did nothing but enrage Trevor, inciting him to follow Harry around the bottom of the bag.

After more exercise like this, Harry started running backwards so he could watch the toad as it hopped. Harry ran into quite a few "walls" this way, but he also noticed that Trevor exposed his sensitive belly when he jumped. Trying impedimenta again, Harry was pleased to see the toad slow down. Another stupefy, and Trevor was quiet and unharmed.

The class noticed the sudden silence and many called out to know what had happened. Harry reassured them all, though he was quite sure that he heard a few boos of disappointment that must have come from the Slytherins.

The toad problem was solved, but Harry still had to get out of the paper bag. As compared to a giant toad, this had seemed easy, but now Harry was having second thoughts. It was a pretty big bag, and Snape had gone to the trouble of sealing it…

Halfheartedly, Harry poked the bag with his wand, hoping that he bag might rip. No such luck, however, as the bag remained undamaged. He sighed, flopping down to sit, staring at the immobile toad in front of him.

Harry tried to levitate himself up to the top, but no luck: the farther he got, the harder he fell when he failed. His blasting spells simply rebounded off the "walls," just barely missing him. After trying a myriad of spells, Snape decided to inform him that the bag was impervious to most destructive curses and therefore would have to be weakened.

After physically trying to free himself and letting out all his anger, Harry started to think. He was rubbish at conjuring, so he plucked out a few of his hairs and tried to transfigure them into a needle or any other sharp object. When he finally got a needle, he spent a considerable amount of time trying to poke a hole in the bag until the needle broke.

Pausing to finally consider Snape's words, Harry realized that he would have to weaken the bag before trying to get out. Having always considered paper to be rather weak, especially as compared to parchment, it took Harry some time to think of water. He had just learned the spell in Charms, and would now have to perform it successfully. After soaking a large part of the wall in front of him, Harry only needed one reducto to blow a large hole in the bag.

Blinded by the sunlight, Harry squinted his eyes and walked out of the bag and straight into a wall. Eyes now opened properly, Harry rubbed his injured nose, and squeezed in between the wall and bag, finally free.

His classmates seemed to be quite surprised to finally see him. Dean shouted, "Took you long enough!" accurately expressing the feelings of everyone in the class.

Snape was sitting at his desk, grading papers and seeming quite bored. "Congratulations, Potter, you managed to waste your whole class period in a bag." The bag and Trevor inside of it were restored to proper size with a lazy wave of a wand, which Neville quickly claimed.

"The class has read and summarized the chapters 8 through 10 in your textbook. That will be your homework for today. Class dismissed."

Harry gaped at his professor. All that trouble for nothing? Hermione and Ron hurried to his side, bombarding him with questions. Neville demanded what he did to Trevor. Malfoy insulted him yet again. Harry simply groaned. What a day! And it wasn't even halfway done…


	2. Cho

I decided to write a little more for this, since it was so much fun. Updates will not be regular, but I have quite a few ideas for it now. This chapter, in specific, isn't for Cho fans. Nothing against her, but it seemed like a good idea at the time.

* * *

For once, Severus was quite satisfied with his sixth year class. Harry Potter had managed to make his day very interesting indeed. A paper bag had proven to be very versatile; you could do so many things with it that are actually appropriate for Defence Against the Dark Arts classes.

Should he try to test the seventh years? It was an unconventional exercise, but when had Severus ever stuck to the traditional way of doing things? As a Potions Master, which he still was despite his occupation, innovation was not only expected, but necessary. And the more he thought about it, the more he wanted to know how others would approach the situation.

His next class was made up of Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws, always a hardworking, studious mix. They were not quite as clever as his Slytherins, or even as daring as the Gryffindors, but they were bound to have some interesting solutions. The Hufflepuffs shouldn't fail as they have six years of magical education to back them up, some of them even more than that. And the Ravenclaws were capable of practical applications of magic, despite the fact that if most of their work, and even joy, resided in research.

When his class began to enter the room, Severus was quite surprised to find himself looking forward to teaching the class. As they entered, Severus amused himself by trying to guess how each of them might react to the idea and attempt to fight their way out. He was unusually pleased that everyone was on time and he could start teaching promptly and without any interruptions, even though this meant that he couldn't give out any punishments.

Bracing himself for the reaction, Severus conjured a large paper bag in the front of the room. The looks of surprise and befuddlement on some of their faces were actually quite notable. Ignoring the looks and hoping to quell the muttering before it even began, Severus started to speak, "I am sure that you're all wondering what's going on, perhaps even doubting my judgment. There is, however, an explanation."

Pausing slightly to fix his students with an intimidating glare and to observe their reaction, Severus continued, "How many of you have ever heard the expression, 'You couldn't fight your way out of a paper bag?'" There were scattered gasps of surprised and recognition as well as some nods. "The purpose of our following classes will be to prove the validity of this statement, providing that you can prove yourselves worthy today."

Severus examined the class, searching for an appropriate victim. He didn't really want to make an example of the students that he could tolerate and tossing the worst one of the lot into the bag wouldn't be all that satisfying. _It should be a Ravenclaw, really_, he thought, _but which one?_

Suddenly, Severus had his answer. Cho Chang and Marietta Edgecombe were holding a whispered conversation and, judging by the _Witch Weekly_ they were attempting to hide under the desk, it had nothing to do with his class. Since Edgecombe had suffered enough last year, Severus decided on Chang. (Though he had to admit that Hermione Granger did have her sly moments.)

"Miss Chang!" She looked up, rather frightened. "You shall be our first volunteer." He gestured for her to come to the front of the room.

She stuttered out a few refusals and stayed in her seat. Edgecombe stood up for her, saying, "She's really not the best choice for this. Defence is hardly her specialty."

"And that is precisely why she must do this. How will she ever learn otherwise?" Severus interrupted the girl. Chang reluctantly stood up and walked to the front of the room shakily. "If Harry Potter can manage it, surely this class can as well." As he had intended, this motivated the girl to move faster and slightly more confidently. It also set off renewed whisperings. A quick spell later, Chang was being levitated to the top and then gently lowered inside. This time, Severus decided to keep the top open.

* * *

Cho looked curiously at the sides of the bag. A dull grayish brown, there was a rough texture to them that was confirmed by her touching one side of the bag. Assuming that the task would be easy, Cho ran through a list of possible spells in her head, intending to get the task completed quickly.

Diffindo proved to be of no use, verbal or nonverbal. Other cutting and blasting spells were of no use either. Cho exhausted herself trying these spells over and over again for quite a long period of time. Finally giving in to distress, Cho plopped down and propped herself up against the bag, her cheek getting quite scratched by the coarse material.

_Of course Harry could do it; he's amazing,_ Cho thought. _He can teach people older than himself quite a lot, myself included. He's brave and noble and never gives up. He must have done this quickly and easily, no effort involved_, she decided.

Unfortunately, this brought about another train of thought, this time one about Cedric Diggory. _Cedric would have known what to do! He had been so smart and resourceful, not to mention handsome!_ Cho stifled a small sob, but could not stop thinking about him.

_I never had enough time with him! He was always doing something: preparing for the tournament, or practicing Quidditch, despite the lack of games._ Cho stared at the inside of the bag, tears forming in her eyes. _I will not cry. I will not cry. I will _not_ cry. I will_ not—

Cho burst into tears. She actually surprised herself as she hadn't cried in months. She covered her face with her hands in an attempt to stifle her sobs, but it was not use.

Cho cried. She cried in a large paper bag, leaning on one of the "walls." She cried about Cedric. She cried about loosing Harry. She cried about what had happened to Marietta, who was still her best friend. She cried about not being made Head Girl. She cried about not having a boyfriend despite being in her seventh and final year. She even cried about her lowest average, an A in Defence.

Crying may be good for the soul, but Cho was thoroughly abusing the privilege. Outside, the class realized with shock that their classmate had been reduced to tears. She vaguely registered the whispering and Snape assigning busy work.

Unbeknownst to Cho, her tears were slowly but steadily weakening the bag. Since she was too exhausted—both physically and mentally—she did not move her head even once. The bag was not only weakened enough to be broken with a spell, but was so soaked that it was actually breaking on its own.

The breakthrough came as a surprise to Cho and everyone who witnessed her head suddenly popping out of the side of the bag. She gasped, eyes widening and, quick as a flash, disappeared back into the bag. Whispering broke out again and Snape was making no effort to stop it. Cho was quite mortified and hoped that no one had gotten a good look at her.

She wiped her face of its tears and cast a few quick glamours. When she felt ready to emerge, she found the trail of tears below the hole and ripped it open. Ducking down, she easily exited the bag.

Instead of the congratulations that she expected, there was even more mutterings. When she sat down, Snape said, "Well… that was rather pitiful. It that is any indication of the competence of the entire class, I am sorely disappointed. I think that we are much better off simply learning out of books." The responding groan was cut off by the signal to end the class.


End file.
